‘How are you doing?’ 

That is a question I’ve found very difficult to answer. Ever since the pandemic reached Germany, I’ve found myself constantly moving back and forth between extreme states of numbness and anxiety. I recognise that being numb has been a coping mechanism to shut out the anxiety. At the same time, I experience pangs of anxiety when I am again aware of how numb I’ve become, of how I have been simply functioning on a daily basis and completing tasks without any true intention. My only desire has been to tick off everything on an impossible to-do list, which isn’t healthy at all.

I want to break out from this toxic cycle. I repeat the “mantras” that I was taught in therapy every morning. I avoid things which give me stress, such as mindlessly scrolling through social media. Heck, I even started praying again. To be honest, it doesn’t feel like anything is working, but I want to believe that these small steps would accumulate eventually into a change that even I can recognise. Phrases like “don’t be so hard on yourself” are well and good but to me, they seem like a temporary solution. The anxiety will always creep back in unless I change what I base my self-confidence on.

Instead of from what I do, my confidence needs to come from who I am.

Because how nice would it be to have that zen-level of assurance? There will always be “bad” days when the music and creativity aren’t flowing, when the amount of effort I’ve put into learning German doesn’t reflect in the string of words coming out of my mouth, but imagine not being fazed by it at all? If my sense of identity stemmed from a different source than now, I would be able to lead a generally happier life. I would dare to try new things, without fear disguised as perfectionism holding me back.

Naturally, it’s easier said than done. I’d have to actively work on it on a daily basis, but maybe unloading what I’ve been feeling for the past months here is the first step in that direction. Thanks for reading and being part of my journey =)

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