The Digital Semester as a First Year Student
Hey everyone, it’s been a while! A lot has happened since my last post. So to begin unpacking emotionally, here’s an update regarding my studies here in Germany:
April was a downer for me. I had learned that I wouldn’t be able to get into the courses I wanted to take at the university here in Göttingen, as I had not taken the required subjects during junior college. I felt so lost and frustrated having come so far, only to have to deal with rejection again. I was torn between options I didn’t exactly like. I could either spend a year in a Studienkolleg and then apply again, or apply for other universities or choose a course in Göttingen which I wouldn’t enjoy at all. Imagine me studying geology for three years! The horror! It was hard to pick myself up, even though I knew I had to.
Mathematics and I still don’t get along after years of being apart! also #lockdownhair lol
Out of the blue, I received an email stating that I got accepted into the linguistics course at the university of Paderborn! I was so surprised because it was already 1 month into the summer semester and I had applied simply as part of formalities for extending my residence permit. Even though it would mean having to travel 4 hours daily by train as long as I lived in Göttingen, I felt genuinely excited and decided to follow my gut.
Jumping into a fully digital semester one month late wasn’t easy at all. Even after managing to catch up, the time spent reading was much more than if someone had explained the material to me. In other words, I’ve been stuck in my apartment studying, leaving the house only for necessary errands and small gatherings.
As someone who had decided to return to his studies again, there was naturally a strong desire to make this unusual decision worth the opportunity cost. I would try my best to finish my assignments as quickly as possible but in doing so, I became too tired to work on my songs. Unhealthy perfectionism kicked in and that negative voice (I’ve named it The Sergeant) resurfaced, louder and more frequently than before, shouting that same monologue I’ve known for years:
“You shouldn’t be tired! All you’ve done today was study!”
“If you don’t have the discipline to just put in 2 hours now, how will you ever get anything done?”
“Why are you so slow at your assignments? You must be stupid!”
I think the digital semester was especially detrimental to international students in their first semester. There wasn’t any chance to make new friends in a shared experience. Moreover, one’s ability to speak German would drop tremendously because of the lack of opportunities to speak extensively with any native speakers. The fear of never being able to return to that DSH standard, coupled with that constant internal battle with The Sergeant, made every time I left the house, one riddled with social anxiety.
All I could do, was to try and take things one day at a time and remember that while I should always give my best, to allow myself to let go and rest when I get tired. I had to remind myself that things will work out, the way they are supposed to. Before I knew it, the semester came to a close. I wasn’t perfect, but I still did well for my exams!
I’m very grateful to Laura for constantly encouraging me to keep going. I also had a great lecturer for two of my classes, which were thankfully in English. I got to learn lots of new things, which is the point of attending university! However, I really hope that things go back to normal soon. I might be complaining about having to spend 4 hours on a train every day (which is a very Singaporean trait), but I've honestly had enough of this lockdown.
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